Finding Love, and not being afraid to keep looking when it leaves you

i have a distinct memory in my mind of sitting in my best friends car after a night out in the city. we were driving back and talking about this and that and the subject of a certain man came up, as it usually did because for a while he was all that seemed to be on my mind. Im still young but i was even younger and more naive than i am now if you can believe it. i loved this man. i kept my phone on loud, he had his own ring and text tone, i cancelled plans with my best friends to stay in and watch the stupidest shows with him.....which now turns out to be one of my greatest regrets....but i digress. we were talking about him and how things just werent going to move past the awkward hang out stage where your dating but not not really, where one person is so invested and trying to hard and one is just in it for the time being. She stopped at a stop sign and turned to me and said "whos the last boy this happened with? did you think the world was ending? did you think youd never move on? did you think that youd feel this heart broken forever?" and i replied yes. she rolled her eyes and said "but look at you now. heart broken again. it wont last forever. there will be another man, and maybe it will work out and maybe it wont but there will be another love in your life and youll be happy this way again and youll annoy the ever living shit out of me once again!!"

and that was that. we had too many drinks, the night was almost a blur, but that conversation stuck out. i stilll think about it to this day when i hear about him through mutual friends with his now fiance and im happy for them. im happy that they found each other in this world and im happy that my best friend had been right all along. i had found someone else, i had found a few someone elses and i think thats important. i think your 20s are for figuring out what you want in another person. I think theres no shame in the dating game, settling is the worst thing you could possibly do. there may be aspects of a person you love and things they do that sweep you off your feet but if you take the time to sit and think about it, mathematically if you will, do the good days and good feelings out weigh the bad? Do you constantly question their love for you or their commitment to you on a daily basis?

I always had a fear that living with a chronic illness gave me less time to find my person. I had an attitude that marriage and family was out of the question for me not only due to medical complications but due to finding a man who was strong enough to put up with the constant care that i would need. A man strong enough to marry me and start a family knowing that one day he would be raising them alone. Strength comes in so many forms and i believe love is one of the biggest conquerors of fear.

Since that conversation with my friend i have dated a few amazing men, i was understood and supported through sick days and days when i felt on top of the world. Some i ended due to the fear of the future and how unfair the world would be to us. some were ended on me due to the same thing. My most recent was the hardest. its been months and i still see this man as my sun and stars but i dont see it in the cards for us. my go getter personality has kicked my ass into full gear working out eating right and never skipping a treatment, ive managed to take a hold from the transplant list and ive set up appointments to check fertility (a common problem with cystic patients unable to reproduce) because family is such a big deal to this man. I never saw myself with a family till he came along and now im set on it and it seems to have been ripped away from me once again. i have to remember that while its sad, its not the end of the world. ive waited months for him to make up his mind and ive avoided dates and intimacy in hopes hed change his mind but he has a very traditional view on family and the fear of raising children alone is too great for him. i dont blame him in the least but im starting to find clarity in the situation.

Im beginning to realize that i can skip plans with friends and keep my phone on loud and jump when he says jump in hopes that one of those times hell take me back. its unlikely. CF has played its part in our relationship and i feel like its time to move on. Ill always love this man and i hope we always have a special relationship. Hes my rock, my steady hand to hold and i feel unconditional love when im around him. Hes the tops and the girl that he finds that he falls for forever will be without a doubt the luckiest girl in the world.

i suppose what my point is in this post is that love is a complicated subject. I melt when i see couples who are supportive no matter what. A girl i follow almost creepily, wont mention a name without consent but shes dealt with so many hardships, taking care of 2 little girls and has a husband who never leaves her side. i know facebook is only a snapshot and i dont know what happens behind her blogs and video blogs but from what i see that she puts out into the world shes found true happiness despite the hard times. Many people have.

Im struggling to move on currently and im slowly giving up on the false hopes of getting back with my love and im getting back out there to find someone who will take me as i am. sickness, kids or no kids (or adoption or surrogacy) there are so many options available. With the right person you can do it all. you can have your happy family. if your truely in love there are no bounds.

Cystic Fibrosis is not just a part of my life it is my life at times, its controlling and its demanding. one day ill find a man who will love me for every part of it. I may have already done that. ive thrown away a few good relationships out of fear and im making a promise to never do that again. i will work hard to make things work. i will work on my medication routine and my healthy eating, i will do anything i possibly can to make a future last as long as possible. I will have a family and i will have everything i want in life with or without this man.

i cant wait forever. i refuse. ive given outs and ive given opportunities. and this is my last request. if i make you happy im yours, if not...im confident in myself and my health and my hard work that i can be just as happy with another. i need to look at my future and not live in my past. revelations can be amazing things when they hit you. im glad i found mine before i turned 30 and desperate!! Besides, who knows who will walk into my life tomorrow and turn my world around.

for this post id appreciate feedback. id like to hear from people in my situation who have gone through family planning and different options both pre and post transplant. im interested in finding out more information and maybe some things i didnt know going into it!! feel free to leave comments or even send me emails!! Thank you guys!!

Im Rachel Whidden and these are my excuses.

ex·cuse

verb

ikˈskyo͞oz/

1. 1.

   attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.
2. -google dictionary

This morning i woke up not to the obnoxious "good morning" song i use for my alarm tone, but to the sun coming in my window. I was in a warm bed with too many blankets and my puppy sleeping in my arms as always...a seemingly perfect morning, yet i could barely open my eyes. I felt physically exhausted, possibly from the work it took to breathe all night or possibly from the constant cough attacks waking me up every few hours. Without thinking i reached down to the nebulizer that hasn't left my bedside in days and poured a vial of albuterol into the cup knowing it'd be almost impossible to start my day with airways that refuse to open. I have a list of things to get done today, a few things id like to do just for me, and a list of "excuses" 10 miles long already forming in my mind for why i can only do half of it. I'm not ashamed to use them, they're perfectly valid, and heres why.

When i first started getting sicker i felt ashamed at the menial tasks i could not complete on my own. I felt like less of a person every time i asked for help to bring the groceries in or heard the snickers from my coworkers saying "shes soooo slow, i swear that girl is made of molasses". The looks of pure disgust when i had to excuse myself from the sales floor to break down after being yelled at for spreading my sickness to customers or the self hatred i formed towards myself as i tried desperately to stifle my cough so the band of assholes following me down the school hallways faking a cough and laughing at me would hopefully disband when they ran out of fuel.

I tried apologizing for my ongoing "cold" and i laughed it off with every joke about how maybe if i didn't smoke so much id be fine. i made every excuse for my illness except for the one that really mattered : i am chronically ill. This itself is technically an excuse. Its a justification for why i cannot do something or why i am the way that i am. Its a reason that i need to sleep and take various pills before each and every social event in order to feel well enough to do said thing. Ive always felt that making excuses based on my illness made me a weaker person. Thankfully i now realize that's not true.

I try to stay as busy as possible but the behind the scenes is brutal. I go to dinner after a 4 hour nap and an anti nausea pill. I see a movie after a small nap and always before 8pm as being out too much later just isn't something can handle. I cancel plans left and right because i know that while id love to go to your birthday party my body cant physically handle being out that night. I make excuses right and left and I'm done apologizing for them. As should everyone with a chronic illness. Know your limits. Know that a 45 min workout two days a week is an accomplishment when every fiber of your being in struggling to keep going. Know that the dinner your going to tonight is a big deal and order that steak cause your a bad ass bitch and you deserve it!! You did laundry today? Your a goddamn rock star and you deserve awards!! Being sick isn't easy. Allow yourself the power to recognize what you can and cannot do. The people who love and support you will understand every step of the way.

I implore you to check out the spoon theory for a well written explanation on how we make the decisions on what to do each day and why we cannot fit as much into our days as you'd like us to.

make your excuses. don't apologize for them. this is your life and your body. own it, do what you can, and accept what you cant. your worth far too much in this world to feel bad about ow others perceive you. the battles you face are long and they're hard but as long as you do what you can when you can baby your golden!!

*as a side note id like to include the links to my new posts ive been writing for CBS Chicago, http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2016/02/10/cystic-fibrosis-lung-transplant/?cid=facebook_CBS_Chicago

 im very excited to bring awareness to the struggles and triumphs of being a 20-something chronically ill woman navigating life between sick days and transplant meeting. The latest post is my third one and the links to the first two are at the bottom of the publication as well as a link to my new facebook page as im no longer accepting randon friend requests on my personal FB. My page will have updates on my health, my blogs, and my day to day for anyone interested in following me!! Also feel free to check out my instagram link on the side of this post in the about me section. Thank you for all the love adn support!! & Thank you for the patience between posts as lately my health has declined quite dramatically and i havent had the time or energy to post regularly as before. I appreciate all the love and feedback ive gotten so far with these posts and its an honor to have impacted so many lives. <3

When You Reach Your Breaking Point: Its OKAY!!!

For the first time i'm realizing how severe my illness is. This stay I've had a lot of pain, coughed up a decent amount of blood, coughed to the point i need cough medicine just to get a little sleep. I have a ling and sinus infection causing debilitating headaches. I'm getting short of breath after just 1 lap around the unit. My anxiety is sky high and I've felt more depressed lately than i have in a long time.

Do i sound like I'm complaining? Because i used to thing that too. Ive come to realize that its okay. Its okay to break and want to vent about all the things I'm going through. Ive realized that its okay to have days where you need to depend on the support of others. Being strong doesn't mean putting on a happy face all the time it means going through these days and these low points and waking up the next day ready to do it all again. Strength is being sick to a point you just want to give up but taking all our meds and doing all your treatments and forcing yourself to walk and exercise because you want to beat this. With every fiber of your being you want to live no matter how terrible you feel or how many challenges you face.

Tonight sucks. that's it. it just sucks both physically and emotionally but I'm gonna lay down, take some deep breaths, remember the people who are behind me every step of the way, and fall asleep knowing tomorrow might be worse, but hope that it ll be better. One thing i know for sure is that ill wake up swinging. Ill fight for every breath. Ill fight to see my sisters kids grow up and for my future. Ill fight for those new lungs and i will never give up.

That's strength. Anxiety and depression is not weakness. They don't get to win. CF doesn't get to win. I do, and I'm fiercely competitive.

What nobody told me about transplant

"She never complained, always had a smile on her face and was positive up till the very end!"

This is a line that ive read over and over, ive read that no matter what happened there was not a single complaint, not a single moment where they didnt give up hope, and that through all the pain they smiled. Well guess what, im calling it. Im calling bullshit. Its easy to look at a facebook and see a snapshot of someones life and someones struggle and see the inspirational side of their fight and its a whole nother story to be the one fighting. For a while i felt like i wasn't as strong as everyone else and i felt like maybe i had given up and i just couldn't do it. I smiled for company and laughed with my nurses and when everyone left i cried, and i panicked, and i wished so hard that i could be the girl who stood strong and knew without a doubt that she was gonna kick ass and this would all be worth it. People like to be inspired, they like a story where the fighter comes out on top but its not always realistic. Prolonged hospital stays come with challenges that are out of our control, like depression, and anxiety, and panic disorders, and feelings of hopelessness. These are the things we don't normally see online but they need to be addressed. The stress that comes with transplant isn't something i was fully prepared for despite my teams warnings. After talking to members of my team and also a few new friends ive made in the online community im a part of ive realized that how im feeling is actually quite normal, especially after close to 3 months, and can be controlled. The decision to start on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds was a big one for me but im hoping that i can get back to the girl who looks at the road ahead and sees nothing but optimism and hope for her new life. Its only been a few days since ive started but im already feeling a difference in my overall mood and my motivation to go for walks and keep myself busy. I havent had as many times throughout the day where i felt consumed by my mood or thoughts and im getting back to relying on my own strength and will power. Over time i had started to rely on my support system more and more to fix my mood and bring me back up and it got to the point where they started taking on the stress i had and they also were getting overwhelmed and feeling the strain and i lost some people who were hugely important to me, and again felt like i couldn't do it ( i plan on doing a post later about the support system issues so ill touch on that later) but i wanted to shed some light on getting my self reliance back and on the common feelings that go with transplant but that you dont typically hear about. There seems to be a certain stigma in America that goes with psychological disorders that if you take a med to help balance you out your crazy or your somehow a lesser person or even thats its just a bad attitude but just like CF is a disease that i cant control, my depression and anxiety are going to be there and its not something i did wrong that caused it, im not just being negative, and in order to have a successful transplant i need my mind to be on the same page as my body, i need to be motivated and i need to be in the right state of mind. Feeling low and feeling alone are gonna happen no matter how many people message you every day and how many calls come in but im not weak, ya know how i know? i said i was done, i gave up, then i asked for help. You dont ask for help when your done. Bad days happen. They always will theres no preventing them but you can help yourself and let other people help you too. Thats not giving up, thats what fighting is, doing anything you possibly can to get through. Dont take the snapshots to heart. Feel what you feel, do what you need to do, and you can get through it but most importantly know that comparing yourself to someone else isnt realistic. You dont know what their battle really looks like!!! 

Plans For The Year

For the first time in a long time i went to a Mary Kay meeting and we talked about goals and staying positive and how your attitude can determine your life and I kept thinking of ways to make this year as amazing as last year and i have so many things i wanna do and as soon as i get excited about it all i remember why last year was so great...because i knew i couldnt do all that this year! Lol so i need to take it down a few notches on the trip planning which is hard because i reeeeally love going new places, but i thought id come up with a few goals and things id like to do this year So here goes :

1).....a few trips. LOL! But not like last year so i think i can plan for a couple without overdoing it! I wanna do the spring holiday with Allie for sure. Were so excited for that and although we were excited for Bermuda and island shenanigans i think staying in the U.S. is a good idea, not only would a road trip seeing new places and things be really fun but at this point im not sure leaving the country is smart at all. Setting up oxygen and medicine transfer and everything would be tough and If something happened there id be in trouble so road trip it is!! (def have out of country plans though for a later date). I also wanna do some smaller ones like Nashville and i think we were talking about California too.
2) I wanna get my fev1 up past 35%. It seems almost impossible lately but i think i can do it. If i focus really hard on getting my weight up and keeping it up, and really put work into exercising and making sure i dont miss one single little pill or treatment i think i can do it. I wanna put transplant off as long as possible because to be honest it terrifies me and i dont want it. Im really motivated to do this and im gonna work my ass off to get the results i want. Making serious changes to reach this goal!
3) Stop letting negative people and situations influence my life. Im happy overall but there are a few things that really get me down and I finally feel like im ready to clean house and get rid of the negative relationships i have with some people. Im ready to let go of all the things that im hanging on to even though i know they're no good for me. I know that ultimately itll make me happier and so its worth the sadness of letting those things and people go and moving on with my life. I have so much good in my life i need to focus on all that from here on out. :)

Maybe ill make some more but for now thats it, those are my goals, a few things i want to accomplish some in the next few months some throughout the year, very happy with this list and im determined to stick with it!!