Im Rachel Whidden and these are my excuses.

ex·cuse

verb

ikˈskyo͞oz/

1. 1.

   attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.
2. -google dictionary

This morning i woke up not to the obnoxious "good morning" song i use for my alarm tone, but to the sun coming in my window. I was in a warm bed with too many blankets and my puppy sleeping in my arms as always...a seemingly perfect morning, yet i could barely open my eyes. I felt physically exhausted, possibly from the work it took to breathe all night or possibly from the constant cough attacks waking me up every few hours. Without thinking i reached down to the nebulizer that hasn't left my bedside in days and poured a vial of albuterol into the cup knowing it'd be almost impossible to start my day with airways that refuse to open. I have a list of things to get done today, a few things id like to do just for me, and a list of "excuses" 10 miles long already forming in my mind for why i can only do half of it. I'm not ashamed to use them, they're perfectly valid, and heres why.

When i first started getting sicker i felt ashamed at the menial tasks i could not complete on my own. I felt like less of a person every time i asked for help to bring the groceries in or heard the snickers from my coworkers saying "shes soooo slow, i swear that girl is made of molasses". The looks of pure disgust when i had to excuse myself from the sales floor to break down after being yelled at for spreading my sickness to customers or the self hatred i formed towards myself as i tried desperately to stifle my cough so the band of assholes following me down the school hallways faking a cough and laughing at me would hopefully disband when they ran out of fuel.

I tried apologizing for my ongoing "cold" and i laughed it off with every joke about how maybe if i didn't smoke so much id be fine. i made every excuse for my illness except for the one that really mattered : i am chronically ill. This itself is technically an excuse. Its a justification for why i cannot do something or why i am the way that i am. Its a reason that i need to sleep and take various pills before each and every social event in order to feel well enough to do said thing. Ive always felt that making excuses based on my illness made me a weaker person. Thankfully i now realize that's not true.

I try to stay as busy as possible but the behind the scenes is brutal. I go to dinner after a 4 hour nap and an anti nausea pill. I see a movie after a small nap and always before 8pm as being out too much later just isn't something can handle. I cancel plans left and right because i know that while id love to go to your birthday party my body cant physically handle being out that night. I make excuses right and left and I'm done apologizing for them. As should everyone with a chronic illness. Know your limits. Know that a 45 min workout two days a week is an accomplishment when every fiber of your being in struggling to keep going. Know that the dinner your going to tonight is a big deal and order that steak cause your a bad ass bitch and you deserve it!! You did laundry today? Your a goddamn rock star and you deserve awards!! Being sick isn't easy. Allow yourself the power to recognize what you can and cannot do. The people who love and support you will understand every step of the way.

I implore you to check out the spoon theory for a well written explanation on how we make the decisions on what to do each day and why we cannot fit as much into our days as you'd like us to.

make your excuses. don't apologize for them. this is your life and your body. own it, do what you can, and accept what you cant. your worth far too much in this world to feel bad about ow others perceive you. the battles you face are long and they're hard but as long as you do what you can when you can baby your golden!!

*as a side note id like to include the links to my new posts ive been writing for CBS Chicago, http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2016/02/10/cystic-fibrosis-lung-transplant/?cid=facebook_CBS_Chicago

 im very excited to bring awareness to the struggles and triumphs of being a 20-something chronically ill woman navigating life between sick days and transplant meeting. The latest post is my third one and the links to the first two are at the bottom of the publication as well as a link to my new facebook page as im no longer accepting randon friend requests on my personal FB. My page will have updates on my health, my blogs, and my day to day for anyone interested in following me!! Also feel free to check out my instagram link on the side of this post in the about me section. Thank you for all the love adn support!! & Thank you for the patience between posts as lately my health has declined quite dramatically and i havent had the time or energy to post regularly as before. I appreciate all the love and feedback ive gotten so far with these posts and its an honor to have impacted so many lives. <3

What nobody told me about transplant

"She never complained, always had a smile on her face and was positive up till the very end!"

This is a line that ive read over and over, ive read that no matter what happened there was not a single complaint, not a single moment where they didnt give up hope, and that through all the pain they smiled. Well guess what, im calling it. Im calling bullshit. Its easy to look at a facebook and see a snapshot of someones life and someones struggle and see the inspirational side of their fight and its a whole nother story to be the one fighting. For a while i felt like i wasn't as strong as everyone else and i felt like maybe i had given up and i just couldn't do it. I smiled for company and laughed with my nurses and when everyone left i cried, and i panicked, and i wished so hard that i could be the girl who stood strong and knew without a doubt that she was gonna kick ass and this would all be worth it. People like to be inspired, they like a story where the fighter comes out on top but its not always realistic. Prolonged hospital stays come with challenges that are out of our control, like depression, and anxiety, and panic disorders, and feelings of hopelessness. These are the things we don't normally see online but they need to be addressed. The stress that comes with transplant isn't something i was fully prepared for despite my teams warnings. After talking to members of my team and also a few new friends ive made in the online community im a part of ive realized that how im feeling is actually quite normal, especially after close to 3 months, and can be controlled. The decision to start on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds was a big one for me but im hoping that i can get back to the girl who looks at the road ahead and sees nothing but optimism and hope for her new life. Its only been a few days since ive started but im already feeling a difference in my overall mood and my motivation to go for walks and keep myself busy. I havent had as many times throughout the day where i felt consumed by my mood or thoughts and im getting back to relying on my own strength and will power. Over time i had started to rely on my support system more and more to fix my mood and bring me back up and it got to the point where they started taking on the stress i had and they also were getting overwhelmed and feeling the strain and i lost some people who were hugely important to me, and again felt like i couldn't do it ( i plan on doing a post later about the support system issues so ill touch on that later) but i wanted to shed some light on getting my self reliance back and on the common feelings that go with transplant but that you dont typically hear about. There seems to be a certain stigma in America that goes with psychological disorders that if you take a med to help balance you out your crazy or your somehow a lesser person or even thats its just a bad attitude but just like CF is a disease that i cant control, my depression and anxiety are going to be there and its not something i did wrong that caused it, im not just being negative, and in order to have a successful transplant i need my mind to be on the same page as my body, i need to be motivated and i need to be in the right state of mind. Feeling low and feeling alone are gonna happen no matter how many people message you every day and how many calls come in but im not weak, ya know how i know? i said i was done, i gave up, then i asked for help. You dont ask for help when your done. Bad days happen. They always will theres no preventing them but you can help yourself and let other people help you too. Thats not giving up, thats what fighting is, doing anything you possibly can to get through. Dont take the snapshots to heart. Feel what you feel, do what you need to do, and you can get through it but most importantly know that comparing yourself to someone else isnt realistic. You dont know what their battle really looks like!!! 

Positivity VS Realistic Thinking

After my last post i got quite a few messages and comments asking why i would have the audacity to use the the phrase "when i die". "Whats wrong with you?" "Are you depressed and thats why you wanna die early??" One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are positive to the point where it ceases to be general optimism and crosses over to pure denial. Let me be very clear CYSTIC FIBROSIS CURRENTLY HAS NO CURE. TRANSPLANT IS NOT A CURE, BUT A LAST DITCH EFFORT TO EXTEND LIFE. 

 Thats not me being depressed, or negative, or throwing the worlds largest pity parade down the blogosphere's hypothetical Main Street, its me understanding that as it stands right now i will die from CF. There is no if theres a when and there is a very bold line between thinking realistically and staying positive, and while the line is there it is possible to stand right on top of it and feel equally okay with both sides. I dont see the point in sitting around telling myself ill live to be an old lady when i hover around 30% lung function at 23 years old. However i stay positive that while im sick ill live the best life i can and ill fight my hardest to live as long as i can. Perhaps theyll find a new drug or even better, a cure, and perhaps not but im happy with the life ive lead and im completely at peace with it ending early, because you see everyones life ends too early. Whether your 24 or 104 you will feel like you havent had enough time. You will feel like you havent done everything you wanted to do or havent seen all the things you had hoped you would see, because your always looking ahead. People tend to think of what they dont have instead of what they do. Look back, look at what you did and who you knew, and all the moments you laughed, loved, and truely felt alive and youll realize you didnt need half the time you had anyways. Sometimes when im really having fun, or im with the person i love, or im in a place i never want to leave i stop and close my eyes. Just for a minute. I go through each sense and i try my very hardest to remember everything i heard, saw, smelled, felt, and tasted and i dont let myself forget it. Then when i have a hard day with CF or im going through something particularly unpleasant or painful i go back to it, and its like im there again and i can forget about everything else for a little bit. At any time i can go back to the cold inside of a sea cave on a kayak

with my sister laughing because we couldnt paddle backwards or to the middle of a packed dance floor on NYE with dance music blaring and the floor covered in so many beads and puddles it was dangerous just to stand on when

midnight was the spark that jump started the best year of my life, i can be driving downtown with my best friend with the top down in her red z4 singing to all our favorite songs unknowingly on our way to one of the best nights i can remember or dancing on a bar in Nashville to Jason Aldean just because i could, and when i think about my short life i put all those memories ive been saving together and i realize i dont need more time. Ive lived a better life so far in my 23 years than most people do in 70. To me, thats staying positive. Thats me loving my life. I see nothing negative or depressing about a person whos genuinely happy. I do however wonder why everyone wants me to be so sad......