Today i had an anxiety attack. I couldnt breathe. My stomach was sick, twisted into knots that seemed permanently tied. I felt the heat in my face trying to hold back the tears pushing their way through and for small droplets of water theyre decievingly strong.
The entire day ive felt a bit tired and worn, ive felt the pressures to get better and kick the cold i had been fighting this whole week. I felt like my health was spiriling back down and the inevitable time alone in a hospital bed walking the same circle through the halls sent a slight wave of depression over my already struggling mind. This is medical stress.
Today i had an anxiety attack. my negative thoughts raced a million miles a minute, far too fast to even give the reasonable ones a fighting chance at being heard. I thought about my weekend and feeling like an inconviniece with all my medical equiptment and treatment times, i felt bad because a sinple 5 to 10 minute walk would have me bent over the side walk dry heaving from the intense coughing fit id have before i crossed the half block line. This is social stress.
Today i had an anxiety attack. I realized i rely too much on one person like hes the last one on earth who can calm my nerves, although sometimes i feel like thats true. I forget he has a life of his own and its taking off faster than either of us thought it would. The joy i feel that his life is on track and that hes finally happy is overcome at times with feeling left behind, feeling pushed away even if its not true. Thats just where my mind goes. The reassurance becomes less frequesnt and the silence on the other end of my panicky text seems to go on forever. This is personal stress, as in my personal life. The things i hold most dear to me.
All of this had somehow combined within an hours time tonight, blending together all the aspects of my life and twisting them like a hypothetical pring tornado ripping though the perfect town i imagine in my mind. My brains main street of friends, family, and love blown to pieces only to be picked through when the calm came and the storm was over. I feel as if fragments of my life are slowly being rediscovered from under the piles of debris but to rebuild from this will take time
Im not ashamed to publicly show the devistation that seemed to come out of nowhere, triggered simply out of nowhere. I believe its a part of life to feel stress adn anxiety but i also know that its not normal to feel hit by a granade. To have your breath taken away so sharply all you can do is sit on the floor and wait for your medicine to kick it, breathing deep, focusing on small objects till your mind eases back to normal.
CF life comes with lots of side effects, i see doctors every week sometimes multiple times in a day, but what i wasnt prepared for was the mental aspect. All i can do is do my best to handle these situations on my own. Not everyone can handle a sick girl. Mentaly or physically. Thats just how it is.
