When You Reach Your Breaking Point: Its OKAY!!!

For the first time i'm realizing how severe my illness is. This stay I've had a lot of pain, coughed up a decent amount of blood, coughed to the point i need cough medicine just to get a little sleep. I have a ling and sinus infection causing debilitating headaches. I'm getting short of breath after just 1 lap around the unit. My anxiety is sky high and I've felt more depressed lately than i have in a long time.

Do i sound like I'm complaining? Because i used to thing that too. Ive come to realize that its okay. Its okay to break and want to vent about all the things I'm going through. Ive realized that its okay to have days where you need to depend on the support of others. Being strong doesn't mean putting on a happy face all the time it means going through these days and these low points and waking up the next day ready to do it all again. Strength is being sick to a point you just want to give up but taking all our meds and doing all your treatments and forcing yourself to walk and exercise because you want to beat this. With every fiber of your being you want to live no matter how terrible you feel or how many challenges you face.

Tonight sucks. that's it. it just sucks both physically and emotionally but I'm gonna lay down, take some deep breaths, remember the people who are behind me every step of the way, and fall asleep knowing tomorrow might be worse, but hope that it ll be better. One thing i know for sure is that ill wake up swinging. Ill fight for every breath. Ill fight to see my sisters kids grow up and for my future. Ill fight for those new lungs and i will never give up.

That's strength. Anxiety and depression is not weakness. They don't get to win. CF doesn't get to win. I do, and I'm fiercely competitive.

Hospital Stays

When i start really feeling bad i know the best thing for me is to call my doctor and set up an admission, but i still fight it. Every single time! Not because i dont want the pain of all the blood draws, ivs, picc lines, and everything else they do. Not because i hate that someone comes in my room every 5 mins and they usually end up severely pissing me off before they leave, and not because being in my own bed in my own apartment is sooooo much better than being anywhere else....Its because i hate feeling cut off and isolated from my normal life. I hate staring at my phone waiting for someone to call me or text me or hoping a friend comes on facebook. I hate hoping that maybe the next time the door opens itll be a friend not a nurse whos here to poke me with yet another needle :(. Although there are a few people who try to be there for a little bit when they can (aka Sarah, Allie, and Michelle) but i do feel forgotten in there. I appreciate even a quick phone call, its soooooo boring in there and I understand that people without CF have lives that dont include as much free time as ours do and i try to remember that but i still cant stand feeling like unincluded (is that a word? it should be...). I wish us cfers could be around each other because i know alot of us have this same outlook, and if i could id come visit each and every one of my CF friends and id bring them real home cooked food that only contains one type one type of animal per meat item and was not made in a lab and coffee thats not made from pine cones and bits of card board!!! The last admission i had was reeeally hard on me cause i barely saw or talked to anyone...im really hoping this one is different! Feel free to email me and leave me some love!

Heres to the few people i can always count on!!