Im Rachel Whidden and these are my excuses.

ex·cuse

verb

ikˈskyo͞oz/

1. 1.

   attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.
2. -google dictionary

This morning i woke up not to the obnoxious "good morning" song i use for my alarm tone, but to the sun coming in my window. I was in a warm bed with too many blankets and my puppy sleeping in my arms as always...a seemingly perfect morning, yet i could barely open my eyes. I felt physically exhausted, possibly from the work it took to breathe all night or possibly from the constant cough attacks waking me up every few hours. Without thinking i reached down to the nebulizer that hasn't left my bedside in days and poured a vial of albuterol into the cup knowing it'd be almost impossible to start my day with airways that refuse to open. I have a list of things to get done today, a few things id like to do just for me, and a list of "excuses" 10 miles long already forming in my mind for why i can only do half of it. I'm not ashamed to use them, they're perfectly valid, and heres why.

When i first started getting sicker i felt ashamed at the menial tasks i could not complete on my own. I felt like less of a person every time i asked for help to bring the groceries in or heard the snickers from my coworkers saying "shes soooo slow, i swear that girl is made of molasses". The looks of pure disgust when i had to excuse myself from the sales floor to break down after being yelled at for spreading my sickness to customers or the self hatred i formed towards myself as i tried desperately to stifle my cough so the band of assholes following me down the school hallways faking a cough and laughing at me would hopefully disband when they ran out of fuel.

I tried apologizing for my ongoing "cold" and i laughed it off with every joke about how maybe if i didn't smoke so much id be fine. i made every excuse for my illness except for the one that really mattered : i am chronically ill. This itself is technically an excuse. Its a justification for why i cannot do something or why i am the way that i am. Its a reason that i need to sleep and take various pills before each and every social event in order to feel well enough to do said thing. Ive always felt that making excuses based on my illness made me a weaker person. Thankfully i now realize that's not true.

I try to stay as busy as possible but the behind the scenes is brutal. I go to dinner after a 4 hour nap and an anti nausea pill. I see a movie after a small nap and always before 8pm as being out too much later just isn't something can handle. I cancel plans left and right because i know that while id love to go to your birthday party my body cant physically handle being out that night. I make excuses right and left and I'm done apologizing for them. As should everyone with a chronic illness. Know your limits. Know that a 45 min workout two days a week is an accomplishment when every fiber of your being in struggling to keep going. Know that the dinner your going to tonight is a big deal and order that steak cause your a bad ass bitch and you deserve it!! You did laundry today? Your a goddamn rock star and you deserve awards!! Being sick isn't easy. Allow yourself the power to recognize what you can and cannot do. The people who love and support you will understand every step of the way.

I implore you to check out the spoon theory for a well written explanation on how we make the decisions on what to do each day and why we cannot fit as much into our days as you'd like us to.

make your excuses. don't apologize for them. this is your life and your body. own it, do what you can, and accept what you cant. your worth far too much in this world to feel bad about ow others perceive you. the battles you face are long and they're hard but as long as you do what you can when you can baby your golden!!

*as a side note id like to include the links to my new posts ive been writing for CBS Chicago, http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2016/02/10/cystic-fibrosis-lung-transplant/?cid=facebook_CBS_Chicago

 im very excited to bring awareness to the struggles and triumphs of being a 20-something chronically ill woman navigating life between sick days and transplant meeting. The latest post is my third one and the links to the first two are at the bottom of the publication as well as a link to my new facebook page as im no longer accepting randon friend requests on my personal FB. My page will have updates on my health, my blogs, and my day to day for anyone interested in following me!! Also feel free to check out my instagram link on the side of this post in the about me section. Thank you for all the love adn support!! & Thank you for the patience between posts as lately my health has declined quite dramatically and i havent had the time or energy to post regularly as before. I appreciate all the love and feedback ive gotten so far with these posts and its an honor to have impacted so many lives. <3

Why i hate your healthy Valentines Day.

This isn't really a Valentines day post so stay with me for a minute! i know many people don't recognize Valentines day as a "real holiday" and maybe its not, but i like the idea of a day centered around love and showing the ones you love just how much you care about them. I think that people get so busy that sometimes they forget to tell the people around them how much they really mean. Keep in mind i said i like the idea. I hate the day.

Its hard to find someone who will stick by your side through all the doctors and hospitals, all the sick days, and all the physical limitations (my sinuses are shot so if you wanna kiss me more than twice i wont be able to breathe so just relax bud). That's getting ahead of myself though, first i need someone willing to date me and who wont run for the hills after a little while. Have you ever tried getting a date with oxygen on your face?? Its not easy (except for that awkward month when "The Fault In Our Stars" came out and everyone decided they just had to talk to me).

Sure there are people out there who can look past all of that and love someone who's chronically ill and support them and care for them but it can be hard to find that person. Personally my illness has ended almost every relationship Ive ever had whether it be the hospitals and constantly being sick or things like having kids and being around to watch my family grow like a healthy woman could. So while i like the idea of the day, seeing all the posts from my friends about how they spent valentines day with the love of their life admittadly makes me a little salty (pun intended!).

I haven't given up compeltely though. I've seen love make it through the worst of the worst and i mean its not like Ive been single forever. Theres someone out there who can deal!! Love and relationships are complicated for any 25 year old with or without medical problems messing it all up. Plus with everything i have going on maybe a date with my dog on the couch with a big glass of wine is really all i need this year anyways!! (Fingers still crossed for a box of chocolate though!)

My Illness is Invisible, But I am Not.

This morning i woke up and took the puppy out like every other morning, made a cup of tea to drink while i do my treatments, and got all my meds ready. Suddenly i had a coughing fit and when it was over the tissue i grabbed was filled with bright red blood. Yet i dont panic. I throw it away and i finish strapping on my vest and filling my nebulizer cup with the vial of albuterol i pulled out along with all my other meds and start my treatments with a few extra tissues on hand and an old t shirt so i dont stain my pj tank if i cough more up suddenly. This is my CF life. This is something i dont worry about unless it gets worse. This is just something ill mention at my next appointment, but its no big deal. This is what nobody sees. People look at me and see a fairly normal girl, sure i have oxygen on, but i dont look sick. My face is full and i laugh and smile and run errands and go out with my friends. What they cant see is how hard my heart is working to keep my lungs moving. The strain makes my normal heart rate in the 100s at times. They cant see the build up of secretions making me work for every breath i take. Thick sticky mucus that clogs my airways and chokes me on a daily basis. Strangers on the street dont know that ill spend hours today inhaling medicines and working out my lungs just to stay stable at a measely 28% lung function, they dont know that by the end of the day ill have taken close to 30 pills to maintain my weight, mental stability, vitamin levels, digestion, control pain, and fix various other things that my body cant maintain properly on its own. Yet youd never know. This is where the term invisible illness comes from, There are 30,000 other people with CF in this country going through this similar routine and youd never guess. The things we go through seem impossible to most, yet this is our life. This is normal. Lately ive been really aware of the lack of awareness to invisible illnesses, not just Cystic Fibrosis, but so many others as well. Ive gained friends with struggles youd never know about yet they're barely hanging on. If you take anything away from reading this today its just be aware. Be aware of everyone around you. When you see a young girl park in the handicapped spot your not a hero when you tell her she should be ashamed to take that spot from someone who needs it because she probably needs it more than you know. When you see a man coughing dont assume hes a bag of germs and give him dirty looks his lungs may be doing the best they can. Next time you make fun of someone for being skin and bones because "real women have curves" keep in mind all the women who struggle day in and day out to eat as much as they can but their bodies refuse to take the nutrition they consume. Be aware that these struggles exist and just cause you cant see them doesnt make them non existent. My disease is very real and i feel it every day.

navigating the 20-somethings, chronically ill style.

I'm a funny girl, i have wit, i can make you laugh. I can take your jokes and throw them right back at you without skipping a beat. I'm intelligent. Ill keep a conversation going for hours and really get into it. I'm beautiful even when i first wake up and look like i just got off my flight from Poland after binge drinking for 3 days. I'm 25 years old and I'm single and i have the whole world and everyone in it directly in front of me and here i sit doing nothing with it. I'm not a lazy person i didn't skip college to live in my sisters house and leach off of her. I'm not a druggie who cant hold a job or make a commitment. I'm not a girl who found a man to buy her whatever she wants and spends her time sitting back with her hand out waiting for favors. I'm a girl who has a chronic illness and being sick is my full time job. Lets go back to intelligent and do some math. i take, on average, 42 pills per day. I do, on average, 2.5 hours of breathing treatments and chest physical therapy a day, and each night I'm hooked up for 7 hours to a machine that force feeds me nutrition formula. One week for me is 294 pills, 17.5 hours of breathing treatments, and 49 hours of feedings. Add in grocery shopping. Add in time with friends and family. Add in taking care of myself and my dog, doing things i need to do around the house, running errands, and constant doctors appointments. With my lung function these small tasks become big tasks that drain my energy fast and leave me exhausted. My meds suck my energy, others make me shaky to the point that getting anything done is pretty hard, they mess with my mood and my motivation.

Lets jump to being 25 with the world in front of me. My friends are finding stable jobs, they re moving out and getting engaged, they re having children they re becoming the people that most people become and i love that, i love to see how well my friends are doing and i love to see what they've accomplished but a small part of me is jealous. I should have the world in my hands. I should be out doing great things, but when someone asks me what i do i have to look at the ground and say nothing. I dont do anything. Which of course isn't true i just told you what i do, i keep myself alive and its a big job, but for all intents and purposes in this situation its nothing. The gut reaction is that I'm a bum. I see it in their eyes and yes i can explain all the math and the pills and the treatments, and the whole carrying oxygen around a work environment, and the exhaustion, but lately Ive been saying nothing. Dating is damn near impossible with tubes on your face and hospital visits that last months, but there are good men out there who can look past all that....until they realize that with you a future may not be possible. Kids aren't gonna happen, no white picket fence with 2 babies and a dog. Trying to navigate life is hard, In these years meant to figure out what i want from life and where i want my life to go im barely breathing waiting on a call for new lungs. These extra obstacles are making it even more difficult.....yet I'm not all that mad. I feel like i should be, i should be asking why on Earth do i have to go through this but I'm not. I have a perspective not many people have, I don't work so when a friend is free i usually am too and with limited time in this world i take all the opportunities i can get to see the people i love. I get frustrated about not having an income but i always make it work. Its hard to get a date and hold on to em but I'm a firm believer that a piece of metal i drag behind me in no way reflects my personality and i wont be alone forever. I see statuses about student loans and normal life hardships and i realize that everyone has it tough right now. Its part of being a 20-something, and each persons struggles are just as bad to them as mine are to me, theres no such thing as a life thats just a walk in the park. This is my normal. All i can do is navigate it the best i can and hope that in time my new lungs will come and i can log onto this blog and complain to all of you about how hard it is to be a 20-something in the real world working and paying for college. I think that all in all im doing alright, im getting through it, sickness adds challenges but i always come out stronger than when i went in. Ive got this, and im looking forward to seeing what the rest of my 20's has in store for me. Fingers crossed for a bit more normalcy though!!