Positivity VS Realistic Thinking

After my last post i got quite a few messages and comments asking why i would have the audacity to use the the phrase "when i die". "Whats wrong with you?" "Are you depressed and thats why you wanna die early??" One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are positive to the point where it ceases to be general optimism and crosses over to pure denial. Let me be very clear CYSTIC FIBROSIS CURRENTLY HAS NO CURE. TRANSPLANT IS NOT A CURE, BUT A LAST DITCH EFFORT TO EXTEND LIFE. 

 Thats not me being depressed, or negative, or throwing the worlds largest pity parade down the blogosphere's hypothetical Main Street, its me understanding that as it stands right now i will die from CF. There is no if theres a when and there is a very bold line between thinking realistically and staying positive, and while the line is there it is possible to stand right on top of it and feel equally okay with both sides. I dont see the point in sitting around telling myself ill live to be an old lady when i hover around 30% lung function at 23 years old. However i stay positive that while im sick ill live the best life i can and ill fight my hardest to live as long as i can. Perhaps theyll find a new drug or even better, a cure, and perhaps not but im happy with the life ive lead and im completely at peace with it ending early, because you see everyones life ends too early. Whether your 24 or 104 you will feel like you havent had enough time. You will feel like you havent done everything you wanted to do or havent seen all the things you had hoped you would see, because your always looking ahead. People tend to think of what they dont have instead of what they do. Look back, look at what you did and who you knew, and all the moments you laughed, loved, and truely felt alive and youll realize you didnt need half the time you had anyways. Sometimes when im really having fun, or im with the person i love, or im in a place i never want to leave i stop and close my eyes. Just for a minute. I go through each sense and i try my very hardest to remember everything i heard, saw, smelled, felt, and tasted and i dont let myself forget it. Then when i have a hard day with CF or im going through something particularly unpleasant or painful i go back to it, and its like im there again and i can forget about everything else for a little bit. At any time i can go back to the cold inside of a sea cave on a kayak

with my sister laughing because we couldnt paddle backwards or to the middle of a packed dance floor on NYE with dance music blaring and the floor covered in so many beads and puddles it was dangerous just to stand on when

midnight was the spark that jump started the best year of my life, i can be driving downtown with my best friend with the top down in her red z4 singing to all our favorite songs unknowingly on our way to one of the best nights i can remember or dancing on a bar in Nashville to Jason Aldean just because i could, and when i think about my short life i put all those memories ive been saving together and i realize i dont need more time. Ive lived a better life so far in my 23 years than most people do in 70. To me, thats staying positive. Thats me loving my life. I see nothing negative or depressing about a person whos genuinely happy. I do however wonder why everyone wants me to be so sad......