Health/Life update!!

i apologize for the lack in posts, however (pardon my language) my life has been a clusterfuck this past month or so.

Ive now been on ivs 6 of the last 7 weeks but am hopefully done on the 16th (4 more days!!!) and can be free of needles, crazy itchy port sites, and antibiotics that are due at the worst times! during this time my meds have been changed 3 times and i cant say im happy with any of them, one made me extremely feverish, sick, and made me feel pins and needles throughout my body for about 5 or so days till i finally couldnt take it anymore and was switched over to a med that made me so dizzy i couldnt walk for a week and now my face in numb and i cant eat or even keep my tube feeds down....win. *rolls eyes*

luckily im beginning to start climbing the health ladder again but im not quite out of the woods. I have appointments with a psychiatrist and a psychologist on monday to help conrol my stress, anxiety, and depression that seems to have gotten worse ten fold lately, then an ENT appointment on thursday to make sure the sinus infection i seem to have had for about 89345093845342 years is under control, and then the cherry on top : transplant clinic on friday. this is a big appointment because after all the ivs if my lung function has continued to drop, reactivation on the list might be necessery. im holding out as long as possible but im not sure how much longer that will be.

the most upsetting part is that this all came out of nowhere, a post not long ago i was talking about how much i was loving hiking and being off of oxygen, i was making waves in my workouts and i was stronger than i ever have been. this is a prime example of how one small bug can change your health overnight. It can come out of nowhere and bite you right in the ass and next thing you know your hooked up to ivs, feeding tubes, oxygen, with nebs going while you watch the x-files in bed for 10 hours straight only getting up to wobble your dizzy ass to the bathroom and back.

its been a ride. somehow through all of this shenanigans i also managed to finish summer glasses and im proudly just a few tests away from finally getting my GED!! i plan to finish these last tests on sunday and then ill be all set to start school to become a pharmacy technician!! i only missed 2 classes due to being in the hospital but caught right back up and through hard work and some help from my friends im well on my way! Relisting or not i plan to start my schooling with online classes and a few on campus so that when the time comes for my shiny new lungs i have something to do with them!! (work, become a baller, buy my dog rubies, and take him on a trip around the world. ya know. stuff like that)

ive also just wrapped up a project i did with PAWS Chicago to help bring awareness to rescue pups and to cf all in one shot so stay tuned for that ill be posting it as soon as its done!! Im also working on a few more posts about some topics near and dear to my heart so expect a few of those soon as well!!! thats about it for now, my health update and my super smart self finally getting my book learnin on!! thanks for reading as always, and feel free to check out my facebook page and my instagram to keep up on more current and frequent things, both of which are listed to the right under the about me and stunning pic (im so humble!)

Adulting Awareness Week-Balancing Health and Life

Today i need to talk about a very important issue overlooked by many, Adulting Syndrome. 

Adulting Syndrome : suffering from being an adult with real life responsibility. 

Symptoms : knowing the right thing to do/recognizing daily obligations and actually doing them.

Treatment : suck it up.

The last week or so has been a little bit crazy for me. I started the process of finally finishing my education and getting my G.E.D and starting school. I want a better life for myself, not just financially but also for the reward of accomplishing something. While most of my friends joke about how i get to sit around all day they dont understand how worthless that can make a person feel. I Im ready to making a difference. (and to make enough to buy my dog rubies and an exact replica Sherlock Holmes outfit...but anyways...) My initial pretest scores were high enough that all i need are a few review classes then i can take the test and hopefully start College in the fall!! 

Heres the hard part : I still have CF (duh). The day to day with CF can be hard as is, the treatments daunting and the work to keep my health and fitness in a good range takes time and a lot of energy so adding in anything extra has to be done, in a way, carefully. Its good to push yourself to a certain extent however overexertion and stress can do more harm than good in some cases, and as always germs can play in a big role especially in a large public place like a school.

Although i believe my current health and lung infection isnt related to school or what ive been doing lately (its summer, downtown and beaches are happening!!!) but instead more of a tune-up or a flare up of the bugs i always carry in my lungs i know that i need to be careful with my workload. Approx 5 years ago i had to leave my job because i was draining myself and couldnt handle doing even simple tasks anymore due to the low lung function i had, and ill admit im nervous that ill be doing a repeat performance with my education but i also know how many people i have rooting me on and helping me in any way to achieve my goals. 

Im also slightly intimidated by the other people and the questions i know ill probably get about my port and what it does since its currently accessed. Last time i was in school i hid my disease like my life depended on it and while ive been open about everything my disease is and carries with it i still have that little part of me that is terrified of being labeled "the sick girl". Days when i might need oxygen or ivs are gonna be a little scary to me, but the silver lining is that ill be able to use that to spread a little awareness to my classmates!!

Im absolutely tired at the end of the day and my $1 mccafe coffee holds me together through my THREE HOUR night classes (ugh!) but in a way i feel great. I feel like at the end of the night when i go to bed ive gained a little more knowlege. Ive spent those 3 hours (seriously...ugh) learning and bettering myself and working towards a future i can be proud of. I want new lungs..one day...and i want to live out a life that means something with them. 

Adulting is hard. Its drainging. Its annoying....but its also awarding. Im very excited to see what happens later on down this path!!! 

Moments.

Heres a question for you, when is the line crossed between bad days and depression? At what point do you realize that maybe you arent moody? Maybe its clinical. Most importantly how can you fix it?

My week this week hasnt been spent sitting bed looking longingly out the window, and i havent once had my dog whine at me with his leash in his mouth waiting to go for a walk like the drug commercials depict. I dont take a pill and suddenly im playing with the kids and playing fetch at the park it doesnt work that way. I smile i laugh im me in every way from a bystanders point of view. Internally i feel nothing, i feel the world spinning away from me, i feel my friends creating a gap that slowly enlarges with each fake laugh i try to force out when were together. 

CF kills my lungs, it destroys my pancreas, my kidneys are shot and my liver is hanging on for dear life (although my days of parties and bar hopping probably had a bigger impact on that than CF ever could). I cant blame CF for this recent mental unbalance and constant need for reassurance directly but i suspect it played a part. 

'

loving a Mississippi river view on a beautiful morning!

I have brief moments like driving through to Iowa for a wedding and passing fields of wild flowers that seemed to stretch for miles. Old farm houses that took me into daydreams of coffee on the expansive front porch bright and early. I passed river trails and nature preserves and was immediately engulfed in the pure contentedness i feel when walking through endless trees feeling like the only one in the world at the time. Listening to only the sounds of birds and the occasional crackling of sticks from something i must have startled. 

I have moments when i see my little sisters (which is too far and few between for my liking) and the laughter becomes genuine. Spending weekends being totally comfortable with who i am because while we dont see each other often i feel a comfort in being in their presence. I feel like they accept me and all of my quirks. "I like you because your so weird." said Jenny a few weeks ago, and i felt that i am weird, im different from most, i dont have the views and opinions of most and my hobbies and interests are not considered normal, yet this was the greatest compliment ive ever Enjoying a received

I have moments where one person can make me feel like a celebrity in my own little way. I have a best friends Grandma who was so genuinely excited to meet me it melted my heart right out of my chest. Enjoying a glass of wine and a conversation with her lifted me up in a way i havent felt in some time and i truly hope that i see her again. 

These moments are the ones that keep me on he ground. When my mind races so fast it could propel me straight into the atmosphere. Its going to be work. I need to be proactive and put myself out there, i need to surround myself with these seemingly small yet grand plans that lift me up. Pills help, im not saying theyre worthless but its up to me in the end. I know im strong, i know i have potential, and i know that when motivation strikes im unstoppable in every way. My last few weeks have been a roller coaster, but im never one to turn down a ride. I will beat this, i will persevere, and i will win. 

I guarantee this.