There Are Multiple Kinds of Stress......

Today i had an anxiety attack. I couldnt breathe. My stomach was sick, twisted into knots that seemed permanently tied. I felt the heat in my face trying to hold back the tears pushing their way through and for small droplets of water theyre decievingly strong.


The entire day ive felt a bit tired and worn, ive felt the pressures to get better and kick the cold i had been fighting this whole week. I felt like my health was spiriling back down and the inevitable time alone in a hospital bed walking the same circle through the halls sent a slight wave of depression over my already struggling mind. This is medical stress.

Today i had an anxiety attack. my negative thoughts raced a million miles a minute, far too fast to even give the reasonable ones a fighting chance at being heard. I thought about my weekend and feeling like an inconviniece with all my medical equiptment and treatment times, i felt bad because a sinple 5 to 10 minute walk would have me bent over the side walk dry heaving from the intense coughing fit id have before i crossed the half block line. This is social stress. 

Today i had an anxiety attack. I realized i rely too much on one person like hes the last one on earth who can calm my nerves, although sometimes i feel like thats true. I forget he has a life of his own and its taking off faster than either of us thought it would. The joy i feel that his life is on track and that hes finally happy is overcome at times with feeling left behind, feeling pushed away even if its not true. Thats just where my mind goes. The reassurance becomes less frequesnt and the silence on the other end of my panicky text seems to go on forever. This is personal stress, as in my personal life. The things i hold most dear to me. 

All of this had somehow combined within an hours time tonight, blending together all the aspects of my life and twisting them like a hypothetical pring tornado ripping though the perfect town i imagine in my mind. My brains main street of friends, family, and love blown to pieces only to be picked through when the calm came and the storm was over. I feel as if fragments of my life are slowly being rediscovered from under the piles of debris but to rebuild from this will take time

Im not ashamed to publicly show the devistation that seemed to come out of nowhere, triggered simply out of nowhere. I believe its a part of life to feel stress adn anxiety but i also know that its not normal to feel hit by a granade. To have your breath taken away so sharply all you can do is sit on the floor and wait for your medicine to kick it, breathing deep, focusing on small objects till your mind eases back to normal. 

CF life comes with lots of side effects, i see doctors every week sometimes multiple times in a day, but what i wasnt prepared for was the mental aspect. All i can do is do my best to handle these situations on my own. Not everyone can handle a sick girl. Mentaly or physically. Thats just how it is. 

Were tired. Were exhausted. Were sick. We are NOT lazy.

Im tired. Im so tired i feel like my limbs weigh 30 lbs each. I feel as though the lids of my eyes are made of lead, and all i can do is fight to keep them open for a little longer. I inhale coffee and energy drinks despite the bad effects to be able to get a little bit done throughout my day. Im labeled as lazy. Sometimes the jokes are thrown around without thought and its hard to fault a person for making a genuine mistake, but it hurts. Real, physical, and emotional exhaustion takes over my body on a daily basis and heres what you need to know about it.

1) im not a lazy person. my bedroom and living room tend to reflect that of a poorly organized college student with clothing flung about, jewelry on random tables and nail polish bottles on every surface. The blankets are a permanent fixture of my couch for quick naps and times when i need to lay down and they almost never get put away. This sounds lazy, i could clean. i absolutely could im not saying i dont have it in me but depending on my day i may not have the energy for it. "the spoon theory" is a great example of how my body works on a daily basis and i urge you to check it out. It basically states that on any given day im allotted a certain amount of spoons, each equal to a task or chore or anything i might need to do that day and when they run out, so do i. i can no longer get the things done that i need to. Hense the clothing piles and the dissaray. sometimes its just not in the spoons.

2) when i make plans i make small plans not because i dont like you, not because i dont wanna spend all night living it up and going out but because my body literally cannot handle it. By 8pm i am usually spent (yes, despite the nap i took a few hours ago) and i need to go home and lay down. My heart and my lungs pump at such a high rate to keep my body moving it takes all of my energy to do even small tasks and outings. I need to wear my oxygen and recharge and let my body catch up to where im at. Breathing treatments need to be done to open my airways so i can get the proper amount of oxygen flowing through my system. My social life is barely there and believe me in not happy about it either. Im quite depressed to be honest thinking back on my days and nights downtown living like a 20-something should be.

3) i need to cancel plans. all the time. i make them hoping that ill have some energy to go out but i dont. i make plans to go to your house or go to dinner but i can barely muster taking a shower at times.This type of pure and utter exhaustion is overwhelming and hard to control, a cup of coffee will not solve it but i promise you that the second i feel well again i will raincheck those plans and be there for you!!!

4) most importantly, understand. try your best to understand where im coming from. My illness takes a toll on me that i never thought would be possible. i never imagined by body would need to work this hard to simply stay just enough afloat that i dont drown. I never imagined that one doctors appointment at 9am would mean spending the next few hours sleeping and hoping that when i wake up i can just get this one load of laundry done. I myself never saw a future on oxygen as common as it is. i never saw my friends leave simply because i can never go out, or when i do its mainly chair dancing and just talking because anything else is simply too tiring. Please be patient with us, its hard to have friends and family who struggle and to watch them go though that but its harder to be the one whos struggling knowing how frustrated the people around you are getting.

Lately ive had a lot of trouble with this topic. ive been so tired to the point ive lost entire days, my family tries their best to understand but sometimes the eye rolls and jokes come out and its painful to know what they think of me. It hurts to know they think i lay here for no reason while my clothes pile up and its hard to hear my niece jokes on how messy i am or how she constantly brings up the times i sleep till late in the day. i want so desperately to have a working body that doesnt need the rest that this one does. It crushes me at times, I can try harder, but i also know my limits. I know when i need a break.