Im tired. Im so tired i feel like my limbs weigh 30 lbs each. I feel as though the lids of my eyes are made of lead, and all i can do is fight to keep them open for a little longer. I inhale coffee and energy drinks despite the bad effects to be able to get a little bit done throughout my day. Im labeled as lazy. Sometimes the jokes are thrown around without thought and its hard to fault a person for making a genuine mistake, but it hurts. Real, physical, and emotional exhaustion takes over my body on a daily basis and heres what you need to know about it.
1) im not a lazy person. my bedroom and living room tend to reflect that of a poorly organized college student with clothing flung about, jewelry on random tables and nail polish bottles on every surface. The blankets are a permanent fixture of my couch for quick naps and times when i need to lay down and they almost never get put away. This sounds lazy, i could clean. i absolutely could im not saying i dont have it in me but depending on my day i may not have the energy for it. "the spoon theory" is a great example of how my body works on a daily basis and i urge you to check it out. It basically states that on any given day im allotted a certain amount of spoons, each equal to a task or chore or anything i might need to do that day and when they run out, so do i. i can no longer get the things done that i need to. Hense the clothing piles and the dissaray. sometimes its just not in the spoons.
2) when i make plans i make small plans not because i dont like you, not because i dont wanna spend all night living it up and going out but because my body literally cannot handle it. By 8pm i am usually spent (yes, despite the nap i took a few hours ago) and i need to go home and lay down. My heart and my lungs pump at such a high rate to keep my body moving it takes all of my energy to do even small tasks and outings. I need to wear my oxygen and recharge and let my body catch up to where im at. Breathing treatments need to be done to open my airways so i can get the proper amount of oxygen flowing through my system. My social life is barely there and believe me in not happy about it either. Im quite depressed to be honest thinking back on my days and nights downtown living like a 20-something should be.
3) i need to cancel plans. all the time. i make them hoping that ill have some energy to go out but i dont. i make plans to go to your house or go to dinner but i can barely muster taking a shower at times.This type of pure and utter exhaustion is overwhelming and hard to control, a cup of coffee will not solve it but i promise you that the second i feel well again i will raincheck those plans and be there for you!!!
4) most importantly, understand. try your best to understand where im coming from. My illness takes a toll on me that i never thought would be possible. i never imagined by body would need to work this hard to simply stay just enough afloat that i dont drown. I never imagined that one doctors appointment at 9am would mean spending the next few hours sleeping and hoping that when i wake up i can just get this one load of laundry done. I myself never saw a future on oxygen as common as it is. i never saw my friends leave simply because i can never go out, or when i do its mainly chair dancing and just talking because anything else is simply too tiring. Please be patient with us, its hard to have friends and family who struggle and to watch them go though that but its harder to be the one whos struggling knowing how frustrated the people around you are getting.
Lately ive had a lot of trouble with this topic. ive been so tired to the point ive lost entire days, my family tries their best to understand but sometimes the eye rolls and jokes come out and its painful to know what they think of me. It hurts to know they think i lay here for no reason while my clothes pile up and its hard to hear my niece jokes on how messy i am or how she constantly brings up the times i sleep till late in the day. i want so desperately to have a working body that doesnt need the rest that this one does. It crushes me at times, I can try harder, but i also know my limits. I know when i need a break.
No comments:
Post a Comment