there are very few people who are good at waiting. patience isnt a quality thats commonly found, especially in todays world things are so fast. traffic, slow Internet, people strolling down a sidewalk can put a city walker into a rage! waiting for your food at a restaurant or for a package to come in the mail is almost anxiety inducing to some......can you imagine waiting for a new organ??

ive never been a patient person, i drive too fast when i have nowhere to go. im not in a rush to get groceries but i speed down higgins like my life will end if im stuck behind that prius for one more second. i dont know why im in such a rush. when my facebook doesnt load fast enough or my food takes too long to cook its awful to me, and ive spent the last year of my life waiting for my phone to ring telling me that there is a pair of lungs waiting for me. waiting for someone to tell me my life will never be the same because i will live longer and have a more fulfilling life.

however ive just received news im too sick at the moment to receive this call. i was put on hold until my meds are lowered and my multiple infections are under control. this is a crushing blow for an inpatient patient.

when you cant work or go to school theres not a lot to do with your day. i spend a lot of time sitting in different spots around the house, reading, watching bad tv, watching good tv when luck has it, waiting for friends who have real lives to get off of work and hope they have a free night to hang out. ive began going ot church more for the community and social interactions and structure than the religion, looking for classes that dont cost and arm and a leg that i can take to get me out of the house.

im waiting and thats all i can do. i cant make my lungs or my other organs cooperate like id like them too all i can do is hope for the best and its beyond a doubt the most difficult thing ive ever had to do. knowing now that i dont even have hope for that call to come in (at least not right now, ill get back on that list im very determined to do so and these are just infections, they can be treated!) its even harder. it drags the wait on and it prolongs the anxiety.

i admire the people currtently waiting and the ones who have gone through the wait. this is no easy task and those who have to experience it have strength in them like nothing else. ill be here hoping for the best, but a little crushed at the moment.