little ole me just goin on and on.....

I have a ridiculous amount of started posts on my blog site right now and it seems lately i cant organize a single thought in my head. I start to write about one thing and then decide i dont even know where im going with that one and start all over, saving it and hoping maybe itll come back to me later on. I have lists of things on my phone i wanted to address on here but havent really gotten around to that, ive sat up in bed late at night unable to sleep and unable to put my thoughts into order like i was doing so well for so long. My anxiety and my depression are becoming a little more overwhelming every day it seems.

I often use this blog to talk about the thoughts and feeling thats come with transplant and with having cystic fibrosis and i know ive stemmed into the mental health aspect of it before during my long hospital stay. I think that was really beneficial because so many people who suffer from chronic illness also suffer from a range of emotional problems as well. Ive stemmed into the side of love with a chronic illness and how it just never seems to work out how youd like it to, ive gone into rants about people perceptions of my illness and all that good stuff but today its just kind of everything.

In summary? Im in a rut. A bit of a life-rut if you will. Things have been very medical based lately with new meds, new routines, tons of doctor visits and a lot of time spent in the hospital. Ive gotten into this weird wake up do meds, eat, do meds, take a nap, maybe go to the store, eat, do meds, sleep, repeat. Over and over. Sooooooo ive been making some plans. I dyed my hair, lots of colors although for some reason the whole top of my head is insistant on being green at the moment :/ i did my nails, i did things that made me feel good on the outside and as for the inside? well that parts gonna be tough,

I have so much going on right now in my personal life, ive been trying to decide as of late if i should give up on my previous relationship and start to date again (like its that easy to do hahahaha) or if i should still hold out a little hope for the future. im trying to not lose my cool over a mom who likes to seem like shes not, but is totally bat shit crazy and now living with us (maybe more on that one later?) plus im having a hard time figuring out my feelings about transplant. BOMBSHELL : IM WAVERING.

ive been rethinking it. i know a lot of it is due to stress that im under right now and its hard to tell if id be able to hold it all together through such a big procedure if im barely holding it together right now. I feel  a little but like my support system isnt as strong as it was when i was first listed, which kind of makes sense after all its been 7 months people are just kind of complacent with the idea now. Im also just very tired. Im physically exhausted from taking care of myself on a daily basis. I live with family but they also have their own lives and cannot always be there to help me when im tired or sick. Im afraid what after the procedure will be like and if ill even make it through. How will i feel if my lungs reject? I have clinic in a few days where ill speak to my entire team and also to my therapist and try to figure out what i really want to do. 

For now its up in the air. Its just something im thinking about, and who knows maybe when i can fix this rut ill be all gung ho about it once again, excited for life and new adventures, not filled with fear and anxiety. Stay tuned my friends.