Finding Love, and not being afraid to keep looking when it leaves you

i have a distinct memory in my mind of sitting in my best friends car after a night out in the city. we were driving back and talking about this and that and the subject of a certain man came up, as it usually did because for a while he was all that seemed to be on my mind. Im still young but i was even younger and more naive than i am now if you can believe it. i loved this man. i kept my phone on loud, he had his own ring and text tone, i cancelled plans with my best friends to stay in and watch the stupidest shows with him.....which now turns out to be one of my greatest regrets....but i digress. we were talking about him and how things just werent going to move past the awkward hang out stage where your dating but not not really, where one person is so invested and trying to hard and one is just in it for the time being. She stopped at a stop sign and turned to me and said "whos the last boy this happened with? did you think the world was ending? did you think youd never move on? did you think that youd feel this heart broken forever?" and i replied yes. she rolled her eyes and said "but look at you now. heart broken again. it wont last forever. there will be another man, and maybe it will work out and maybe it wont but there will be another love in your life and youll be happy this way again and youll annoy the ever living shit out of me once again!!"

and that was that. we had too many drinks, the night was almost a blur, but that conversation stuck out. i stilll think about it to this day when i hear about him through mutual friends with his now fiance and im happy for them. im happy that they found each other in this world and im happy that my best friend had been right all along. i had found someone else, i had found a few someone elses and i think thats important. i think your 20s are for figuring out what you want in another person. I think theres no shame in the dating game, settling is the worst thing you could possibly do. there may be aspects of a person you love and things they do that sweep you off your feet but if you take the time to sit and think about it, mathematically if you will, do the good days and good feelings out weigh the bad? Do you constantly question their love for you or their commitment to you on a daily basis?

I always had a fear that living with a chronic illness gave me less time to find my person. I had an attitude that marriage and family was out of the question for me not only due to medical complications but due to finding a man who was strong enough to put up with the constant care that i would need. A man strong enough to marry me and start a family knowing that one day he would be raising them alone. Strength comes in so many forms and i believe love is one of the biggest conquerors of fear.

Since that conversation with my friend i have dated a few amazing men, i was understood and supported through sick days and days when i felt on top of the world. Some i ended due to the fear of the future and how unfair the world would be to us. some were ended on me due to the same thing. My most recent was the hardest. its been months and i still see this man as my sun and stars but i dont see it in the cards for us. my go getter personality has kicked my ass into full gear working out eating right and never skipping a treatment, ive managed to take a hold from the transplant list and ive set up appointments to check fertility (a common problem with cystic patients unable to reproduce) because family is such a big deal to this man. I never saw myself with a family till he came along and now im set on it and it seems to have been ripped away from me once again. i have to remember that while its sad, its not the end of the world. ive waited months for him to make up his mind and ive avoided dates and intimacy in hopes hed change his mind but he has a very traditional view on family and the fear of raising children alone is too great for him. i dont blame him in the least but im starting to find clarity in the situation.

Im beginning to realize that i can skip plans with friends and keep my phone on loud and jump when he says jump in hopes that one of those times hell take me back. its unlikely. CF has played its part in our relationship and i feel like its time to move on. Ill always love this man and i hope we always have a special relationship. Hes my rock, my steady hand to hold and i feel unconditional love when im around him. Hes the tops and the girl that he finds that he falls for forever will be without a doubt the luckiest girl in the world.

i suppose what my point is in this post is that love is a complicated subject. I melt when i see couples who are supportive no matter what. A girl i follow almost creepily, wont mention a name without consent but shes dealt with so many hardships, taking care of 2 little girls and has a husband who never leaves her side. i know facebook is only a snapshot and i dont know what happens behind her blogs and video blogs but from what i see that she puts out into the world shes found true happiness despite the hard times. Many people have.

Im struggling to move on currently and im slowly giving up on the false hopes of getting back with my love and im getting back out there to find someone who will take me as i am. sickness, kids or no kids (or adoption or surrogacy) there are so many options available. With the right person you can do it all. you can have your happy family. if your truely in love there are no bounds.

Cystic Fibrosis is not just a part of my life it is my life at times, its controlling and its demanding. one day ill find a man who will love me for every part of it. I may have already done that. ive thrown away a few good relationships out of fear and im making a promise to never do that again. i will work hard to make things work. i will work on my medication routine and my healthy eating, i will do anything i possibly can to make a future last as long as possible. I will have a family and i will have everything i want in life with or without this man.

i cant wait forever. i refuse. ive given outs and ive given opportunities. and this is my last request. if i make you happy im yours, if not...im confident in myself and my health and my hard work that i can be just as happy with another. i need to look at my future and not live in my past. revelations can be amazing things when they hit you. im glad i found mine before i turned 30 and desperate!! Besides, who knows who will walk into my life tomorrow and turn my world around.

for this post id appreciate feedback. id like to hear from people in my situation who have gone through family planning and different options both pre and post transplant. im interested in finding out more information and maybe some things i didnt know going into it!! feel free to leave comments or even send me emails!! Thank you guys!!