sitting ducks

they say positivity is key, we need to look forward we need to look for the light in the dark of the situation. i always try to find the silver linings. i close my eyes and i list off the things i have. i list off the people in my life who have stood by me through thick and thin. i take myself back to moments in time when i didnt think that id ever be that happy or that content but there is still a darkness in my life that creeps in like smoke under the door of a  burning building. my room isnt on fire but the smoke chokes me and the windows, stuck shut, make me feel like theres no escape. we are not stronger than the rest of the world we just have no choice but to continue on and do what we need to do to live.

this morning waking up i felt an annoyance that rolled over from the night before. my medicines cause havoc on my mood. i can cry and i can laugh in the same 5 minutes. i can be so angry i feel the pressure build up until i want to explode and i can hit lows that i didnt think were even possible. i am content at times, although lately those times have been a bit further apart. my self love is fading as my body image changes. weight gain and moon face makes me hate the mirror, getting dressed can cause stress as my closet full of clothes stretches tightly and jeans dont zip up like they used to just weeks ago. this is the ugly side. this is the side i dont normally post.

my sister once reminded me that facebook is a snapshot of life. its a glance into others worlds and its not accurate. people will post what they feel proud of or happy about you dont see the tears and you dont see the crushing depression where they sit in bed for a day. you see the smile in a hospital bed when friends visit during the day but not the tears that come at night when the loneliness creeps in.

today is a hard day and i dont feel like sugar coating it. i feel like screaming at the top of my crumbling lungs but at this point i dont think they could even handle such a feat. i need new ones, but the hoops i need to jump through are getting smaller and harder to fit through. im currently still inactive due to said hoops and it scares the hell out of me that im not even just waiting but sitting. im a lone duck in a clear pond with a rifle aimed right at my head and i cant do anything about it.

transplant is my last option. im end stage. my life expectancy is under 2 years if i dont get lungs. its scary and im scared. being on hold makes it worse. my anxiety is through the roof. nobody tells you how emotionally hard this is, you get folders and books and info packets and attend classes but nobody tells you how draining waiting for an organ is on you.

like i said, im not stronger than you. im not inspirational. im living my life and trying to extend it as long as i possibly can but there are days where i wish i could push a button and end it all. hospice has crossed my mind. im tired. im depressed. im barely hanging in because i want a life back where i wake up with energy and take on a day. i want to have a job i want to have a family i want to live like the lot of you. my stubbornness is my lifesaver, but its not extraordinary. its not that im some sort of hero for going through it all.

rant over.