It sounds so serious at times, it sounds almost intimidating to me, and while i like the idea of it, the idea of a group of people in my life who together make up a system of constant love, support, and encouragement i also know that for people living with challenges like, but not limited to mine, this system can be very complicated. I'm not saying that the average healthy person doesn't have social problems but adding in chronic illness, constant hospitalizations, and stress through the roof doesn't necessarily help. Going into transplant one of the things they asked me about on my very first appointment was who do you have that you can lean on for support? Who do you have in your life that you can talk to, vent to, who can help you in hard times? My list went on and on. I had everyone. I listed my sister who's been my absolute rock for years and still is. Shes the only person i can honestly say i have absolutely zero doubts about leaving me in any way shape or form and who would run through a brick wall if she needed to. Shes strong as hell and shes a constant source of love and support. I listed my parents, who despite our rocky pasts and admittedly rocky present can be counted on for a certain level of support and help. I listed all of my friends and i listed my boyfriend because despite the hundreds of outs i gave him he swore it was worth it. I was confident in my list of people i was confident that this would be hard but that my support system wasn't something i had to worry about. Turns out i did. Here's the complicated part, the last 3 months I've gotten an out pouring of support online from different people, communities, companies, you name it all on my side wishing me well letting me know they're in my corner that they're behind me in my fight 100% and reading the love pouring in from all over the world melts my heart. To know that complete strangers care enough about me to to take time out of their days to send me a message or send me a package or a letter to brighten my day blows my mind!! Yet at the same time the people who i see on a regular basis are here feeling the stress and its overwhelming for them. I always thought of the people around me as the true heroes here, because while this is my life and i have to live it they have a chance to walk away from it and they never did, but lately a few have taken that walk. So while i have this online community rooting for me every day my personal support system was crumbling fast. The world keeps moving my friends have lives, they're 25 their finding their dream jobs, getting married, having children, going out on weekends, living it up like they should be and its not always ideal to sit in a hospital room. My boyfriend is an amazing man, I've never met anyone so caring and loving and constantly there for me no matter the situation but after 3 months stress builds, and he has his own well being and life to worry about and i cant be there to be a part of it and that puts a lot of strain on us as a couple. I was caught up in my own version of what my support system was and what it meant that i forgot that the people in it are feeling this pressure too. I became too reliant on them. I lost my own sense of strength and i forgot the girl who walked into clinic head held high knowing i was gonna kick ass and come out a healthier person, able to travel, and live, and breathe like everyone else. Your support system can only be as strong as you let it, if you lose support for yourself they will feel it. its okay to lean on people and to need them but they cant be your only source of good. This process took it out of me, but I'm hanging in there. It took losing the people i leaned on the most to realize how much I'm capable of leaning on myself and since then I've been happier and healthier. Find the balance between asking for help and support and relying on the people around you for everything. Don't underestimate your own strength and will power, don't get to the place where your sitting in a room waiting for those people to come back because you just cant be you without them. Recognize that you need to support them too, take a little walk in they're shoes, understand the stress that this puts on them, and your rock solid support will stay diamond strong.
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| People love you, let them when you need it, realize you can love yourself just as much though. <3 |
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