For the first time i'm realizing how severe my illness is. This stay I've had a lot of pain, coughed up a decent amount of blood, coughed to the point i need cough medicine just to get a little sleep. I have a ling and sinus infection causing debilitating headaches. I'm getting short of breath after just 1 lap around the unit. My anxiety is sky high and I've felt more depressed lately than i have in a long time.
Do i sound like I'm complaining? Because i used to thing that too. Ive come to realize that its okay. Its okay to break and want to vent about all the things I'm going through. Ive realized that its okay to have days where you need to depend on the support of others. Being strong doesn't mean putting on a happy face all the time it means going through these days and these low points and waking up the next day ready to do it all again. Strength is being sick to a point you just want to give up but taking all our meds and doing all your treatments and forcing yourself to walk and exercise because you want to beat this. With every fiber of your being you want to live no matter how terrible you feel or how many challenges you face.
Tonight sucks. that's it. it just sucks both physically and emotionally but I'm gonna lay down, take some deep breaths, remember the people who are behind me every step of the way, and fall asleep knowing tomorrow might be worse, but hope that it ll be better. One thing i know for sure is that ill wake up swinging. Ill fight for every breath. Ill fight to see my sisters kids grow up and for my future. Ill fight for those new lungs and i will never give up.
That's strength. Anxiety and depression is not weakness. They don't get to win. CF doesn't get to win. I do, and I'm fiercely competitive.
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