the invaluble friend.

today im thinking about friendships, specifically friends of or in the chronic illness community. friends are different when your chronically ill, they need to be a certain kimd of person. not that there's one type of person who's better than another, just in certain situations one needs understanding, care, and patience and these are traits that can be hard to find. 

i unfortunately see many posts on my news feed or in different groups im a part of where people feel left out of life because they cant always keep up. this can be heart breaking, not just the feeling of being left out of an activity but because its due to something so far out of your control. i myself have had many experiences with this feeling and its not one i wish on anybody. I think the idea of being sick for most people is a few days on the couch with nyquil and soup, but they can push themselves when needed. things get complicated when your every day is hard and when your sick its almost intolerable. for example, in my own life i like to go to dinner and movies and things like that, but i have a hard time doing these things later at night because im so tired, the work that my body needs to do to just get through the daytime is exhausting and so i either have to miss out on plans, or i go but i cant really be the energetic person my friends knew me as before. (ive now fallen asleep at multiple outings and cubs games.....). Theres also the times when i know i should stay home but my FOMO gets the best of me, i go anyways, and end up worse off. 

people within these communities are (almost) always there for you and supportive of this because they understand wholeheartedly what being in that position feels like. its a blessing and a curse to have so many people understand you and your situation but not be able to see them or hang out with them and be around people who really get your situation. the outpouring of support at times from these communities can be overwhelming. the love from complete strangers is mind blowing and very humbling. Before i joined any of these groups i felt very alone in my diesease and my situation and finding out that there were so many people walking in my shoes was something ill never take for granted. the people ive met online have become life long friends. 

there are exceptions to this situations where one might feel left out. there are people out there who see you for you and not your illness. i have a best friend Katie who would take a sleepover at the hospital with me over a night out. painting our nails and watching our favorite shows and having lattes in the morning can make a night in the hospital feel like a normal night at home. the fact that shes totally fine with hanging out here and missing something else going on elsewhere that might be way more fun is not something that is lost on me. i have Jake, a man who i used to date and while things didnt work out due to our lives moving in different directions he has continued to be my absolute rock, doing everything and anything to keep my healthy and happy. hes always down for a movie night on the couch in lou of a few drinks at the bar and a home cooked dinner when going out just isnt in me. hes one who will always invite me out and make me feel included in events even though he knows theres a pretty good possibility that well both end up spending the night sitting down and not really in the action. i have a frind Nick. a man who ive known for years adn years who never hesitates to bring by food when im sick, cheer me up with his goofy animals he always brings me, and never once complained about pushing me in a wheelchair all over comic-con for an entire day just so i could meet the weasely twins hahaha. he has accepted every part of me and my illness the good and the bad since day one and to this day i can say hes definitely someone i have total trust in to always be there for me. hes never wavered. i have my little sisters, my best friends in the entire world, and not just because theyre family but because i can feel how much they love me every time i see them (which is much to far and in between). i have my older sister who never ceases to mother hen my ass when i need it, cook a meal when im sick, help keep things clean, and help me manage my appointments and meds when my brain fog kicks in. shes always inviting me to dinner out with friends and did i mention shes an absolute blast to hang out with?? i can always count on laughing till i cry just about anytime i hang out with her!!! my point is that there are good people out there. the invalubles. the ones who make this life worth it. 

on the flip side yes, theres the partiers. the ones who stay out too late and take shots like they contain the key to immortality and if you cant keep up the invites out become far and few between. it happens but dont dwell on it. see it as an oppertunity. the stress that it caused you and your health yo try to keep up with these people was not worth it. nobody is worth your life you are far too important for that. in life people come and go, its inevitable. find peace with the support and love that you do have and hold on to it dearly. focus on the good parts of life. focus on the people who love you and the people who are always reaching out to you. those are the ones that matter in the end. (but by all means if the party pants fit for the night put those suckers on and wear this shit out of them, we all deserve a night out! even if its to remind us why we never go for nights out hahaha)

try not to get down on the days in the hospital with no visitors, even though thats a hard one to swallow, dont dwell on that friends who always seems to be too busy for you, shes not too busy for you shes just busy with life i almost guarentee it. please try to not jump to conclusions and stress yourself out over your social life, it will pick up and it will die down you need to find the medium. this is somethingi struggle with as well im not just preaching about it for no reason i promise!!! 

your going to miss events, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and weddings. your going to miss a lot. its your life, thats how it goes, its not fair in anyway, but thats life, its never fair you just need to find those loopholes that make it all worth it in the end. remember its not whats on our table its whos around it. mine is filled with love, once i stopped to notice.