Health and Body Image, Maintaining Weight and Finding Self Love

Lately ive started working out and exercising on a regular basis trying to get in shape to bring my lung function up, and to get in shape for transplant as it takes a huge toll on the body (obviously). Ive never been so motivated to improve myself and my overall general health! However i'd be lying if i said a huge part of it wasn't that the weight i put on, although very good for me, has made me feel a little (a lot) self conscious about my body. I have a noticeably rounder face and a girl can only suck in her stomach to a certain point!!

I was very excited that i hit the 115-120 mark (the ideal weight for someone my height to be going into transplant) after struggling for so long to gain; but after being in the 90s for so long i felt like a blob of a person! The challenge now is to exercise enough to tone myself up and be happier when i look in the mirror, but not lose the weight that ive managed to put on. With a high fat, high calorie, high protein diet im used to eating a certain way and feel like maybe im undoing my entire workout when i spend 30 minutes doing crunches and using weights then go make a grilled cheese sandwich with extra cheese and dip that bad boy in french onion chip dip because damn it if that stuff isnt delicious on literally everything!!!

I have to also keep in mind that a lot of my puffiness and ballooning is a side effect from some of the meds that i take every day. I first started to notice the round face when i was taking prednisone and it just never went away despite being off of it for over a month now, and my antidepressant causes some extra weight gain and bloating as well. These are things that are hard to control as medication cannot be skipped or stopped because i wanna look a certain way.

Im getting better at eating healthier and although i havent been at it for too long i can already see a difference. Im adding more vegtables and fruits and eating regular meals instead of snacking on junk all day long. Im still in my goal weight range (slightly above actually....its the chip dip. its all from the chip dip.) and im getting stronger everyday that i push myself to get in shape. Finding the middle ground between keeping this weight and loving the way i look is driving me nuts though! Forget relationships, finding self love can be so hard, but its important that you do it and part of loving yourself is understanding that a healthy body is a beautiful body. Im getting there, slowly but surely.