Keeping Secrets

I had just finished reading "The Fault In Our Stars" (by John Green) and i could really relate to Hazel, not with the part about cancer, but we share alot of the same issues with breathing, having to carry around an oxygen tank (although hers is 24/7, mine is only occasionally) and the way we feel about knowing our diseases will kill us one day, but also about the way we feel about having other people in our lives. I dont have to use my oxygen 24/7 yet and so when people look at me they see a normal girl and have no idea how sick i really am and i like that, i always hid the fact that i have CF from people. Part of it was that i really didnt want them to treat me differently and also because as hazel describes it "Im a grenade, and at some point im going to blow up. Id like to minimize the casualties." I always kept the secret, it was exhausting. One day i decided that im getting sicker and sicker and its not going to stop so why hide it. Am i gonna trick someone into being a part of my life? How would i cover the weeks i spent in the hospital? Besides, awareness is key the CFF needs donations and people need to know about CF me hiding it does no good, and for a while i got nothing but support. Everyone was there for me they seemed like they were fine with it but the other day i posted on FB about needing oxygen again and my friend kept telling me to rest up, feel better, and let her know if im feeling up for plans we made for later this week....i need oxygen i dont have an infection, i dont wanna sit at home but she was really insisting i "rest eat and sleep". Explaining to people that im fine just a little short of breath always falls on deaf ears they are convinced i need to sit in bed and sleep all day. It reminds me why i hid it all those years i didnt want this to happen. If i feel i need to stay in i will but i hate that people try to decide for me, also might i add that while they dont invite me out because they are convinced im too sick they also arent willing to come over and hang out with me here. Its hard because i know there is no cure for CF and one day it will kill me, transplant is not a cure if it works it adds years but doesnt make CF go away, and they want me around as long as possible but id rather live a life i love and am happy with than live twice as long and sit in my bed all day resting and eating...it makes sense to me. I also get really weary about telling new people in my life about my CF because it makes most of them wanna run, nobody wants to deal with that and if they do stick around i know eventually theyll leave because i will need them more than they need me, and who wants to deal with that? Nobody wants to be with somone who has an expiration date and i dont blame them, i dont wanna be responsible for promising someone forever and leaving them halfway through. Maybe one day ill find someone / friends who dont see me that way, but im doubtful.