I worry. i hope.

I wake up, my lungs hurt.
i worry.
sleep till 130, wake up again. gathering my meds i cough too much.
I worry.
my insurance isn't covering my home o2. I'm trying to fix it fast but I can't afford to breathe.
I worry.
my homework is really hard amd I have class and must stay on schedule to start I'm the fall.
I worry.
my mother has given up on being our mom years ago, yet it's somehow me and my sisters reaponsibility to fix her problems and life now.
I worry.
i dont get anything in class and I'm scared to hold the class up.
I worry.
I can't walk to my car, my lungs are burning like they're on fire and I can't inhale.
I worry.
I need gas but the $2 I'm my pocket won't do much good.
I worry.

I'm home and the stresses from the day, the day before, the day before that....it all adds up. all the worry. all the stress. it's piled on to me and I feel the small panicky feeling sneaking up. the one id get as a child stuck in my snowsuit slowly getting hotter amd hotter while I franticly put on my boots and gloves so I could lay in the snow, so i could get some relief from feeling like a small rodent trapped in the walls pf a burning house. I'm restless, im uncomfortable despite the mountains of pillows and warm blankets I'm under, with the cool air from the a.c. balancing the temp in my room perfectly.

anxiety sets in full force, I know it's late but I text a a friend, more than that, my rock really. the only person who knows how to handle these situations (which started last year during my 3 month club med stay). he doesn't judge. he says everything I need to hear and makes sure I'm okay before going to sleep.

my life, at this moment, is feeling out of grasp. the more I feel better the more responsibility I take on and I'm turn the more stress builds up in my life. clogging my head and running my thoughts a mile a minute. this doesn't help my health. stress is a serious medical problem. my anxiety and my depression are overwhelming. my Xanax use barely takes the edge off.

because I worry. and i dont know how to stop. this ia another obstacle I need to climb over to continue my journey to a better life. tonight however it's going to consume me and my thoughts. I will worry.

but then I will sleep, I'll wake up to a puppy, I'll make a big breakfast, I'll study hard and do my best to get the ball rolling on my insurance issues. I'll do what I can to eliminate the worry. I'll hope it works.

I'll hope.

ill hope.

ill hope.

ill hope.

ill hope.

ill hope.

and soon, the stress and the worry will calm. the anxiety will lessen. my mood wont flip on me out of the blue. ill be back to watching the sky catch fire over the lake that lines my beloved city. Ill be walking my dog down a forest path blissfully unaware of the world around me focusing only on the breath my lungs are allowing me to breathe. 

i wont worry.

just hope.